how they were drssed when I was with them so relaxed in

their bra and panties as we would lay across their beds, engaged in long warm conversations in an attempt to resolve my problems.

I got up and retrived the bra and panties from my flight suit. They were so beautiful and soft and they felt even bet- ter after I had put them on and streched out on the bed. I felt so different - I had sort of slipped into another identity, another person and now there was no tension or conflict.

At first, I could not figure out how something as simple as a bra and panties had taken away all of that tormenting stress. I now know that by the simple action of entering the world of femininity I was washing my hands of and denouncing the whole macho male image. I felt that now a part of me was female. The experience was so powerful I would revisit this new found escape. I explored my inner thoughts about women, how different they were, so soft and understanding. My mental attitude turned around within a week of my discovery.

I had never before in my life had a brush with anything feminine. I had been so hell- bent to prove that I could be a man as the next guy, that I had not "stopped to smell the roses along the way." Strangely, I did not feel any guilt about sleeping in the bra and panties.

After my tour of duty was over it was back to the home- town and a confrontation with my wife. I probably surprised her because my entire attitude was total indifference to the entire situation.

I went out and bought a new wardrobe of real macho- style clothes. All my life I had maintained my hair in a short crew cut but now I allowed it to grow so it could be styled. I had turned into a real macho butterfly, instead of a girl.

You probably would ask, What happened to the woman

within? Well, I thought that since my main emotional and mental problems had been solvea that I did not need my feminine side any longer for it had been my safety valve when I needed one. I found that by being ag- gressive to the point of ruth- lesness that I would have no problems in making out with women. I became a real mover in the fast lane of night life.

I was now living on the east coast and every night was party night. After several months of this, my wife's affairs had fallen apart and she wanted to join me in an effort to help her to get straightened out. She ar- rived, bag and baggage, with the two children. She was cer- tainly jealous and furious when she found that I had really been swinging and knew a number of attractive girls in the area. We tried to make the marriage work but I had gotten a taste of the fast life and could not put it down. It seemed that every woman that my wife be- came friendly with, would either turn on to me or I would get in- terested in them. I really was not happy but I could not iden- tify the reason for my unhap- piness. I was bored with the physical side of sex and began to consider more rewarding and fulfilling avenues.

When I began to explore what would make me feel better, my memories flashed back to Vietnam and the nurses and how good it felt in the fold of fe- mininity. I went out and pur- chased some female clothing but kept everything well hidden. I would dress at every chance possible.

Dressing was a mentally satisfying pastime for I was basically thumbing my nose at society and the roles we are supposed to live. But I developed strong feels of guilt and had thoughts that I was turning "gay." So I turned to the all to familiar purge known to most crossdressers.

My east

coast tour was

cut short sometime later and I ended up in Europe. with my family in tow. By this time (and since I had purged all my pretty things), I had gone back to the old macho kick and went wild when I learned how out- going the European girls were and the sexy way they dressed. I even tried to convince my wife to dress sexy, wear high heels and to be the woman that I believed that I wanted. I pur- chased numerous outfits for her that were very seductive to be worn in our bedroom. But she eventually went on one of those "accept me as I am or else" binges.

I began to look at all the high heeled shoes available in Europe and decided that if my wife would not wear them for me, then I would just have to wear them myself to fulfill my secret desire. Yes, the old crossdressing bug was bitten again. I located several pairs of platform sandals with six inch heels, one pair black patent and the other a brown leather.

After purchasing additional feminine items I began to secret- ly dress again. Still, I had no wig or makeup and had this head full of macho hair and a mus- tache to boot.

Finally I had enough of the dressing in secret so I told my wife about my interest in wo- men's clothing. She really be- came quite angry. She could not understand how Icould dress that way. It was a case of total re- jection and I could not really explain things since I knew noth- ing about the subject.

Shortly thereafter we had a big argument and my wife moved out of the apartment into one for herself. I soon learned that she had a lover on the side all the time and my telling her about my crossdressing only gave her the opportunity to terminate things. She wanted out of the marriage at all costs so I wound up with custody of the children and all the property since she could not be bothered with any-